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I don't know how it's even possible, but I think I have everything done that can be done at the moment. I finally got his car switched over to my name today, so we can go ahead and sell that (if we can ever find someone to buy it, that is). I completed the paperwork at the bank last week. We got everything we could/had to out of his apartment and cleaned it as best we could. The cell phone is canceled. The utilities were to be read on 6/1. As much bullshit as I had to go through and hoops I had to jump through to get everything taken care of, it still seems like there should be more to taking care of it. It's like, this was a person, a 56-year long life, that has just been dissolved. His belongings were divided up, and all it took was some paperwork and it's almost like he never existed. I still don't know how I feel about his death in particular. But the whole thing is just making me consider life in general. It's like, there's so much to who we are; our thoughts, our emotions, our experiences, etc. But once we die, it's just some bullshit paperwork and then it's like we were never here. And I know the reality is that we live on in the memories we share with those who are living, our legacy in our families, the effect we've had upon others. But let's cut through the bullshit: once we die, we're remembered for a generation or so, after that we're just a name on a 4th graders family tree project. We go up in history with the rest of our family who has passed before us; the name might be known, a general characteristic ("grandpa was a jerk") might get carried on for a while. But after that...just a name. How can everything that feels so important, so permanent, get forgotten just like that?

Oh my...

I don't even know where to begin to write about what's all been going on and what I'm going through right now. Dad passed away on Friday May 7th. The cop who called me said it looked like a heart attack, but the notes we found scribbled everywhere (including a long one by the sofa) speak otherwise. There's so much to try to sort through that I haven't even begun to figure out how the hell I feel about everything. I know I hurt all over. I know I'm on the verge of tears 24/7, and have had numerous full-blown sobbing breakdowns since Friday. I know I am so exhausted, but can't really sleep. And that even after I have slept, I wake up feeling drained. I know I'm having trouble watching TV or listening to the radio or interacting with people in day-to-day life because they seem to be having too much fun and enjoying completely meaningless shit. I know I have a to-do list a mile long, and don't even know where to begin tackling it, let alone when I'm going to have the time to do so. I know I need about 3 weeks off, doing nothing, to try to work through everything that's running through my mind. And I know I haven't been depressed like this in a long, long time. I'm having trouble making myself take a shower and brush my teeth. The thought of having to go to work in a couple of nights is nauseating, because I don't know how I can make it through an hour in front of the computer at home in my pajamas let along 13 hours running my ass off at work. I think I'm gonna need help with this one; I'm a toughie, but this is just too much for me to get straight in my head.


I just need a few minutes of self-pity and then I can return to my productive self (I'm hoping). My day just basically sucks ass. I've been sick, and I actually feel worse today than I did yesterday. My throat hurts, I'm all congested, and my nose is turning bright red from blowing it all the time. I have to work tonight; I've been on days for quite a while now, so this night shift is going to kick my ass, particularly since I'm not feeling well. I am completely overwhelmed with all the bullshit I have to do for school. There is so much reading and all this groupwork and all this is piled on top of the fact that we have our winterim class final this Friday (which, by the way, I will be going to at 1pm after working the night before). After the final, I have to somehow make time to write up my SOAP note from the final (which is an assessment of a random undergrad nursing student). Which of course I have no time whatsoever to complete. Add to this the fact that I just got back from getting our taxes done; we're getting a little back from state, but we OWE IN on federal-4451 fucking dollars! There goes our summer vacation! That's basically the amount we were planning to spend on our summer trip---out the fucking window. So now I'm trying to figure out: ok, I could pick up some extra shifts to try to make back some of that money, but I don't have time for my scheduled shifts as it is, let alone picking up extra. In my fight against the day, today is winning.


It's not like I really have time to be on here, but I've been hard at work with homework all day, so I need some time to debrief, so to speak. The spring semester is very much underway. Wow, a lot to do. But I don't really think it's going to be that bad. I'm thinking perhaps a little easier than the fall semester was, though we have a lot of group work this semester, which always comes along with its own set of problems. I am pretty excited to be going to Washington, D.C. in a couple of months. It's paid for (other than our leisure expenses) and counts as our clinical hours for the semester. That said, it's going to be A) a lot of work and B) a little freaky as that I've never been there. Plus, I'm going to miss Andy, as sappy as that sounds. I've never really been away from him that long, at least for sure not since we got married. Hell, I don't know if we've been apart for an entire week since we started DATING for God's sake. I'm sure the week will fly by, but I'm gonna be a little sad in that regard=( But not sad enough to turn down the opportunity, mind you, lol.

OMG, well I guess I should get back to it here.


The Travel Bug is Back

I'm getting that wanderlust feeling again. I don't know if it's the time of year, or the hectic feel of my life or just random luck that I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and also got my National Geographic Traveler in the mail which has a big writeup on Rome. But I just gotta go. I gotta have something to look forward to. I'll get a taste of something new with the trip to DC this spring, but that's with school and I don't anticipate that much time to experience the city while I'm there (at least not in the way I like to experience cities). So right now my urge is to start dreaming about our summer trip which I'm currently thinking should be to Italy. I mean, let's think about it, I'll have one more year of school left. And after that it's going to be baby time pretty soon. And once we have these hypothetical children, the only place we'll be going is Dinseyworld (not that I don't love Disneyworld, lol). But if we're going to take the big trip before we're retired, while we're still able to be young & adventurous & beautiful & fresh and everything that I picture being in Italy, I think it's now or never. And it's not like we don't have the $ in the bank; that being said, I've been trying to save up for a downpayment for a house. It hardly seems wise to use even some of that $ for a vacation. But on vacation is the one time I always feel so damned alive. It's not just going through the motions of enjoying day-to-day occurrences. I really enjoy myself. I really experience things. The hubby and I really get closer (even though we usually spend 1/2 the time semi-mad at eachother). I just really, really want to go there. I've always wanted to go there. And again, it kind of feels like this summer would be our chance if there was ever to be a chance. What to do?

Writer's Block: If we took a holiday ...

I'm a fan of Christmas. I love the thought of the cozy family get-togethers (even if I didn't exactly grow up having those or anything). I love the twinkling lights and the scents of cinnamon and pine and the songs that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. LOVE IT!

Holy Christ!

Ok, this is just shameful how long it's been since I wrote in here. But, life being life, I've been just a wee bit busy...

So the updates:
-I'm back in school for my Master's degree. It was time. And I really had to get in before they make the change to requiring the doctorate for NP in 2015. So it REALLY was time. So far so good. I have the summer session and almost a full semester under my belt. I'm going full time. And still working full time at the moment. So it's been interesting. But one day at a time. Somehow I'm still managing to find some time for myself once in awhile. I'm just thankful I'm doing this before we have kiddos. Because I listen to some of my classmates who do have children and...dear God, I can't even imagine pulling it off!
-We adopted another cat this past summer. Her name is Muffin (short for Ragamuffin). She was living under our back porch for a while, and we ended up luring her out with food, planning to be her foster parents until we could find her real family. But it turns out we were her real family after all. So we have a happy household of 3 kitties, lol.

Hmmm...other than the day to day stuff, I don't think there's been too much else going on for earth shattering news. It's Thanksgiving today. Andy's home with the fam, but I have to work tonite (and Friday nite and Saturday nite) so here I sit. I'm still doing the rotating day/nite 12 hours shifts that I was oh-so-nervous about last year about this time. And it's going fine. Turns out I'm completely capable of managing on days; go figure, right? We went to Florida & down to Key West this past summer. That was fun. Oh, and I get to go to Washington DC with school in March to work in a homeless shelter type place for a week. So that should be eye-opening to put it mildly.

I guess other than that, I've been pretty happy. I've got my issues, obviously. For instance, I haven't talked to my dad in over a year now. And while it bothers me because I feel like I'm being a pretty shitty daughter (which I am), on most levels I'm ok with it. Because I feel better when he's not really part of my life. He was bringing me down...a lot. And I'm overall not an "up" enough person to have the wiggle room to be brought down very much. I'm still buds with Amy from work; we still do the drinks thing periodically. And I've even expanded my horizons a little bit to going out with some other peeps at times. I'm probably the most well-adjusted I've really been right now and for the last year or so. Which I figure it probably a good thing=)

Alright, back to the school work. I just really had to touch base.


Writer's Block: Revolutionary Thought

It's the anniversary of the Russian Revolution, marking the Marxist overthrow of the Russian government. Karl Marx once wrote that "religion is the opium of the people." What is the new opium of the people?
Who says it's changed???  If not that, material goods; you know, stuff, "toys", cars and boats and all that bull shit.  If we're not pacifying ourselves with religious fantasy we'll pacify ourselves with the idea that having all that stuff actually makes our lives important and worthwhile, justifies our existence in this world, gives us human worth.  Nice try.

3AM Freak Out

So I have a few days off...and I was so happy that I fell asleep at a good time with Andy last night, I think it was about 11pm.  But then I woke up at about 3AM and even managed to work myself into a little bit of an anxiety attack over a few things I'm dealing with right now.  One being that I have an appointment for my follow-up breast ultrasound on Thursday, and as such I was doing a little self exam and found another little lump, but this one worries me because it's on the other side and it's more up into my armpit, which if I remember correctly is where the bad lumps go.  So I'm freaking out about that a little, and hoping that in addition to following up on my other lumps they'll be able to check that one out as well.  I'm also stressing over the switch to day shift I have coming up in about a week.  I'll be rotating, a month of days and a month of nights at a time.  And I'm psyched, don't get me wrong.  But I am stressed over the fact that I never really got orientation to days and on a Monday morning I'll just be coming in and having to fend for myself...and try to lay low from management.  And I'm stressed over money as we're getting the hubby a new car in a couple of weeks; our payments won't even be that much more, but it's just one more thing to add to the freak out pile at 3am when you can't sleep...so here I am.  I had a snack and I'm hoping getting some stuff written down will get it off my mind and allow for me to fall back asleep, at least for a little while.  Granted I'll be getting up early for work starting soon, but 3am is a little much.

Obama Won!

I am so proud of our country right now.  I must say there was a big part of me that really didn't think a majority of the American people had it in them to vote for a black man.  But the results started coming in, and it was looking like he was doing well...and he won.  He actually won!  I'm pretty happy that the candidate I backed from the start of the primaries not only was the party nominee but actually won the presidency.  I guess I can pick a winner when I see one.  I just can't get over the fact of how big of a deal this is.  The US has its first non-white president!  This is one of those things I'll be telling my kids about one day, how I watched the results come in when the first black president was elected.  I definitely got some chills and some tears in my eyes when they officially announced the Obama had won.  It's amazing.  I know Michelle Obama got ripped apart after saying that this was the first time she was proud of her country, but I can relate to what she said.  In my adult life, this is the first time I've been proud of the country I live in.  I was so young yet when Clinton was elected, and I didn't really care because at that age you just don't care about such things.  When I started to care was the first Bush election when there was the controversy with Gore...not something to be proud of.  And then there was the second Bush election--how did he win that one?!?!  So I've spent the time since that election being mad at the American people for re-electing that moron.  But it's different now.  I'm proud of the results.  I'm proud of how involved people got with his movement.  I'm proud that so many people got out to vote.  And I'm proud they were able to see past race to elect the best candidate.  Because you can argue that race was a factor because he got such a high percentage of the African American vote, and that's true...but explain Iowa.  If we're looking at race there's no reason whatsoever he should have stood a chance there.  But he won a state that primarilly consists of white farmers (there's a stereotype for you...but c'mon, I've been there...).

I just feel like we're entering into a new era, a new chapter in American history...and lord knows it's time for a new chapter.  Now's a time when we can really accomplish something, we can regain the respect and achievment that we have lost in the recent history.  Obama really seems to have some good ideas, but more than that he has that inner drive and motivation to become better and it's infective.  And that's what we need right now.  Our country as a whole is in a moral slump...we need something, someone to make us want to become better.  And Obama is our man.